Insecurities
by Witchytara25
Summary: Sometimes you have to let go


A/N: I was asked to write a story from JJ's point of view, dealing with some of her insecurities. As much as I adore the character of JJ, I have a hard time getting inside her head like I do Emily. I identify with Emily Prentiss on a level that I never have with a television character. However, I tried, and as much as I think this is terrible, I'm going to post it anyways. I hope I somehow captured JJ, because she is one half of my favorite couple. I did finally get to torture the character of Will, but my torture of him is not done yet. *evil grin.*

A/N2: None of the characters from Criminal Minds, or the television show itself belong to me. All these characters belong to Viacom, CBS, and whoever else lays claim to them. I just want to see my favorite characters together. The story is loosely based off Nickelback's "Trying Not to Love You."

The phone rings and the blonde jumps, startled, wondering who could be calling this late. Looking at her caller ID, she sighs inwardly, her thoughts scattering. _Emily. _She ignores the phone call, wondering what the brunette profiler wants. It's been two weeks since their fight, two weeks since they've talked. The time apart has been like a knife in her heart, but she knows this is for the best.

Everyone talks about the famous Emily Prentiss walls. However, JJ knows differently. She knows how to get past those walls and the insecurities that come with her lover. However, no one realizes that she has her own insecurities to deal with when it comes to this relationship. How Will hurt her. The team thought that he was such a great guy, but she saw the darker side of him. The side that yelled and screamed at her, told her she was worthless and the only reason she had her job was because they couldn't find anyone better. The bruises that were carefully place and hidden by clothing, where no one could see them.

No one notices how the light dimmed from her eyes. How she grew quieter and quieter at work, forcing a smile when all she wanted to do was hide in her office and cry. How there were so many times that she wanted to just curl into a ball and die. How she couldn't, because she did have her son, and if there was one person in the world she loved more than anything was her son. Henry. Her reason for living, for breathing.

No one knew after that, how she fell, fell hard for her best friend. How she hid her feelings until Garcia called her on them one night, making her confront them, as much as she didn't want too. She had just gotten out of her relationship with Will and was not looking to confront her feelings for the brunette profiler, the feelings she thought she hid so carefully for six years. She hated Garcia in that moment, but never loved her more either.

Her phone rings again, and she sighs, ignoring the call again. Emily didn't know of her pain, of her insecurities. How could someone who grew up in the world Emily did ever fall for someone like her? She loved Emily, loved her with all her heart. However, the insecurities that came from being with Will, the words and the fists that flew at night, she knew that she wasn't worth someone like Emily Prentiss, the Ambassador's daughter.

Sighing, JJ got up from her seat, going into the bathroom and leaning over the sink, letting the tears fall. She wishes how she could take back the words she said, the hurt and the anger that crossed over Emily's face as the words grew more heated and the final straw, when Emily left the apartment, slamming the door. She remembered falling to the floor, trying to see the silver lining in this. How she knew this was for the best. She remembered the feeling of helplessness as the door slamming vibrated throughout the room. How the only time she felt this helpless was when her sister committed suicide when she was 11.

If she wasn't good enough to keep her sister alive, if she wasn't good enough to make Will not hurt her, then how she was going to be good enough for Emily? She remembered the helpless feeling of watching the paramedic's wheel out her sister's body on the stretcher, how she ran for miles that day, wanting to get away from the memory. How all these years she's felt like she's had to live in her sister's shadow and make it up to her parents for the daughter they lost.

A sudden knocking at the door startles JJ out of her musings. She quickly splashes water on her face to hide the tears and goes to the door and opens the door to see a delivery guy standing there with flowers. Cocking her head to the side, he holds out the flowers as she signs for them. He nods and she closes the door behind her, noticing the place card is unsigned, but there is only one person who knows what her favorite flowers are and would send them at a time like this.

Placing the vase on the table, JJ takes a step back, knowing that this is the opening she's been looking for. Sighing, she sat on the couch and stared at the flowers, wondering when she became this insecure, needy person. Startled out of her thoughts by another knock on the door, she gets up to look through the peephole and is startled to see Emily standing there. She opens the door and looks up at her, and the brunette profiler smiles slightly down at her. "Is it a bad time?"

JJ shakes her head. "Come on in."

Emily steps cautiously in, looking down at the blonde, wondering when she became so fragile. She fights herself on taking her into her arms, just as JJ is fighting herself not to throw herself into her arms and sob out all her fears. Emily's eyes fall on the flowers. Smirking slightly, she looks at JJ. "Nice flowers. Got a secret admirer?"

Not smiling, JJ shakes her head. "Why are you here?"  
"To say I'm sorry? To say that I miss you?"  
JJ cocks her head to the side, laughing humorlessly. "You miss me? You made it pretty clear the other night that you wanted nothing to do with me."  
"I….I was wrong." Emily looks closely at JJ, saying quietly, "Why are you running from me? What did I do to make you so mad?"  
"It's…." she swallows hard, and shakes her head. "It's nothing."  
"JJ…" the brunette steps forward, brushing the blonde strands out of her face. "Don't shut me out."  
She laughs mirthlessly, and says, "You really want to know all my secrets? How the fact that my whole life I've had to live in the shadow of a dead woman, who took the selfish way out and killed herself. No note, no warning. She walked in one day and gave me her necklace. I was 11, for Christ sakes'. How does an 11 year old handle her sister killing herself? I watched them take her body away; I watched as my parents grew older and I tried…I tried so hard to make it up to them. I know they love me, but I've fought with her memory for the last 20 years. There are times when I wish that I would have died that day instead of her."

Emily's hand strokes her hair and she sighs, closing her eyes, leaning against her. "Will was no better. He belittled me, constantly told me how worthless I was, how I was lucky to have him. The first night he told me that, he was drunk, and I brushed it off. The second time, he hit me."

Emily hisses low in her throat and her arms go around JJ, tightening. "I'm going to kill him."

JJ smiles slightly at that. "You won't have the chance. Remember, I am the best shot in the FBI."

She hears a chuckle and JJ continues. "He hit me. Never where anyone could see the marks, but he continued to do it. I didn't know where to go or who to turn to. Here I was, Jennifer "JJ" Jaerau, media liaison, able to calm families of victims in my situation, but yet, I couldn't get out of my relationship, until one night he went too far and smacked me across the face and…" she swallows hard and pulls back, looking up at Emily. "He raped me." She drops her gaze and blinks back the tears. "I threw him out after that night."

Emily tightens her hold and the blonde sighs, wrapping her arms around her and settling her head on her chest. "I didn't tell anyone because I felt ashamed. Like I said, here I am, I counsel victims on this, yet I let it happen to me." She looks up at her brunette counterpart. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For taking out my insecurities on you. I love you, you know that. I love you more than anything in this world. I tried not to love you, but it only made me love you more. I didn't know how to see the silver lining from the floor, but I do now. For out of darkness, comes light." She pauses and looks up and sees a tear running down Emily's cheek and says quietly, "What?"

"I'm sorry he did this to you. I'm sorry about your sister. I'm sorry for the fact that you've had so much pain. I can't promise that I'll take your pain away, because no one can truly take away another person's pain, but I can promise that I will be here whenever you need me." She looks down at her and says quietly, "I love you."

At that moment, JJ feels lips over hers, the lips she has missed for the past two weeks. The love that she tried so hard to run from comes crashing down around her, and in that moment, as she returns the kiss with all the pent up emotion and pain from the past and takes control, letting her emotions go into the kiss. She feels the brunette's hands move up and down her back as JJ's hands come to rest on her lover's back, pulling her closer. Taking total control of the kiss, the domination of her mouth over Emily's, tongues sliding around in a delicate dance, as two souls merge into one.

Later on that night, as two spent bodies lay across the bed, JJ safely encased in Emily's embrace, JJ knows that the pain was worth it. That the silver lining in all of this is laying next to her, stroking her hair and telling her how much she loves her.

Life won't be easy, there will be ups and downs, but together, both of them can face the pain of what was and embrace what is in the here and now.


End file.
